i’m sorry me but I need to vent

please disregard that!
Sunday did three years my father died.
remember me this hurts me, on his deathbed he asked me to go see him.
but I was weak and had no courage to go see him. I feel guilty.
we does not have a good relationship. My parents divorced when I was small, must have been about five or six years,My mother  work  all week, and I do not see much, because the weekend I was staying with my father.then decide not to visit my father more. was a stupid decision and not thought through. but I thought was the right choice at the moment. over the years I thought I would visit my father, but I was afraid of my mother misunderstand my intention .My mother raised me alone, without the help of my father, I thought if I asked to go see so, my mother would be sad and think I did not love her for all she did for me sounds silly but I always had the impression that my mother did not like i to see my father., say he made some wrong choices, he was alcoholic and smoker, almost never worked. he died of throat cancer because of drinking and smoking. My mother went to see him on his deathbed and told me I’d better not see him. it was for me to remember the best of it. . I accept that, I convinced myself that this was the best, but today I regret, I should have gone to see him and say I loved him despite everything,  he was important to me! but I did nothing , I feel guilty for not having gone to see him. always remember that it’s a pain in my heart, I cry and feel sad, no one can understand that,. I   do not talk with anyone because I’m just remembering bad. My heart hurts

2 years ago  /  1 note